Jokes Database

English on Mars and Venus

Women's English

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
5. We need = I want
6. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
7. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
8. We need to talk = I need to complain
9. Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
10. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
11. You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
12. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
13. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
14. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
15. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....
16. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
17. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
18. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
19. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
20. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
21. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
22. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
23. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
24. Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
25. I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
26. The answer to "What's wrong?":

1. The same old thing = Nothing
2. Nothing = Everything
3. Everything = My PMS is acting up
4. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Men's English

1. "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
2. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
3. "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
4. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
5. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
6. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
7. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
8. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
9. "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
10. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
11. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
12. "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
13. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
14. "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
15. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
16. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
17. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
18. "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
19. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
20. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freaking dress and let's go home!